Wednesday, March 30, 2005

And ten years have passed

This turned up at one of my email accounts a few days ago. Completely blew me away... it's essentially a dissertation on me, based on my blogs.

I'm posting both for the benefit of those who read what I write, and (probably moreso) for my own benefit. It's interesting -- to me, because it's about me, but also because it has some fascinating insight into someone's view on life.


Hi Greg,

I came across your blog yesterday, and found it a fascinating read. This is my first time reading a blog of somebody I knew.

I wrestled in my mind as to whether I should write to you, since I'm pretty sure you don't remember who I am. Also, I wasn't sure whether you would appreciate being contacted by an old mate. But, because it's easy to write emails I'm going ahead with this anyways - and part of me thinks that maybe you might be interested in hearing what I thought about your blog. My hope is that my little notes here are not seen as critiques or judgements, but as Sunday-morning coffee-deprived meanderings.

So here goes...I really enjoyed reading your thoughts. I also admire your courage for putting yourself onto the web like that. Even though we all construct our past the way we want it to be remembered, I felt that you were very genuine in what you had written. At first I skimmed over the site, not really knowing why I was poking around. Then I realized that I was curious - here was a person who was revealing more to me in 10 minutes than I had ever understood or fathomed when meeting them in person. I felt like I was treading in territory totally new to me. I wanted to be cautious of what I read - since it revealed something that I could not interpret with the person. I could only read and "picture" you in my head. Even though thememory of your face was blurry - your words painted a new picture for me.

I was surprised and delighted - almost like an archaeologist feels when they uncover something new and unusual. I wanted to explore more. What I found was most fascinating - with you revealing ups, downs, turns, and many facets to yourself otherwise hidden.

My first impressions (please correct me if I'm wrong) after reading a few pages was that you may sometimes experience a little nihilistic angst that many 30 year-old men feel as they struggle to make meaning of and find a purpose to their lives.

As I read more I formed a picture in my head of a person and his friends who has the means (to live) but are still discovering or constructive themeaning (of why live or for what purpose).

Don't take this as some existentialist challenge thrown your way, but when I read through your posts I imagined a person who wants to make a difference in the world. For instance, you dream of being a mech or saving the world, or being a vampire. You try to sustain a "scene" and critique music with a solid sense that this is your purpose. But deeper down there may be a place where you're still searching for meaning in this harsh industrialized world.

Will you ever become the hero, the protagonist, who saves the world and gets the girl? Is that not what the myths, the mentors, the idolized idealistic future that all young men are imprinted with?

I don't know the answer - but I do know that success, happiness, pleasure, authentic relationships, are all by-products of a commitment to a purpose. In my world if I try make them the reason for living I find it impossible to bear suffering and pain.

As I read more I felt that your world was crying out for care - that you had suffered and were suffering. Where was the love, the light that brightens the heart? Where is your muse? In terms of suffering - you talked of having to do the grunt jobs, the "weeder" tasks that often weed out those who are less committed to the end goal. That takes courage, determination, andpersistence. You spoke of relationships - the pain of love, the backbiting,the constant interference that occurs as you negotiate the boundaries with ones you love, and realizing where your values differ from other people's. That showed me your values, your reflections, your soul. You've even lost friends who have given up to "meaninglessness" - overcome by addiction,aggression, or depression. That showed me your commitment to life, to art, and to creativity.

You've been through so much...building 3D environments for games, tons of art work, parties parties parties, and now music videos. These must take a lot of your precious time and energy - and obviously because it is your life they must have some meaning and value for you.

With such commitment and purpose why do I get an overall feeling that you're not content?

Even more importantly, why do I feel compelled to write these thoughts to you?

Maybe I'm the one who is not content and I'm projecting that onto you! Perhaps - and when I think about it I feel it's because I've missed your presence, and 10 years has flashed by in a blink of an eye. Maybe it will be another 10 years till we speak again - so why miss this opportunity to connect with somebody I've admired for their intelligence and warmth.

Well...enough of my babble for a Sunday morning. I just wanted to thank you for the experience of reading your thoughts and reminding me of who and where you are.

I will make a commitment to you. Wherever you are, whatever the cost, I will contact you again in 10 years - to see how you are doing, and ponder what adventures, stories, and wisdoms you may want to share.